Doing the right thing…even when you’re scared!

When I was in second grade we lived in a little street in Plumstead, East London.  It was the sort of place where the houses were all joined together and everyone knew everyone else’s business.  For the most part everyone was in the same boat with little money to go around.

Across the street lived a chap named Clem.  Clem was one of the few people that we considered successful since he ran a construction business and owned both a van and a Jaguar when most people had neither.

Clem was well regarded and generally considered a decent sort. His wife was a permanent fixture hanging out of the upstairs window and surveying the street.  Nothing much escaped her eyes.

With limited resources improvisation was the name of the game and one day I found a large piece of elastic and used it to fashion a simple catapult.  To say it wasn’t accurate was a huge understatement, but what it lacked in directional ability it more than made up for in power.  

I spent a happy few hours dropping stones into the little cup I had and flinging them up the street with gay abandon.

But then I pushed my luck a little too far with the size of one of the rocks.  It was a little large to fit in the cup and was quite a snug fit.  I figured with sufficient power it would easily fly out and, as I had done dozens for times before, aimed up the street and let fly.

Unfortunately in this case the rock did not immediately fly out, instead staying in the cup just long enough to fling around sideways and exit at a very acute angle, right into the side window of Clems van.  There was a pop and the window was immediately transformed into a million small fractures, rendering it almost opaque.  

I did what any self respecting 7 year old would do.  I ran!  I shot into our house, ran up to our bedroom at the back of the house and sat on my bed in a panic. What should I do?  Did anyone see me?  Could I get away with this?

Knowing that we didn’t have the kind of money available to repair a window like this I was sick with worry.

But, as I sat there, it slowly dawned on me what I had to do.  It took a while, probably 20 minutes or so, but I eventually found myself walking across the street and knocking on Clem’s door.

Clem answered and I slowly stammered out.  “I’m really sorry, but I was playing with my catapult and I broke your van window.”

I waited for the anger, the righteous indignation, and the demands for reparations that neither I nor my Mother had any means of paying.  In those days a good whooping wouldn’t have been out of the question either, and when my Mum found out I’d get the same from her.

Instead he just looked at me and said “I know.  Don’t worry about it.”  And, without another word, he went back inside and closed the door.  He never told my Mother and it was never mentioned again.  A few days later the window was repaired and life went on as though nothing had ever happened.

I often wonder what would have happened if I had not come forth.  Would the result have been the same?  Would I have been the same?  I don’t know, but I do know that i felt an enormous sense of relief and gratitude at how things turned out.

I never expressed my gratitude to Clem for the kindness he showed that day, so I’ll say it now.

Thank you Clem, you were a real gentleman.

Cutting Cable : A Week Without TV

A week-long experiment without cable TV resulted in some real cost savings, and some interesting family observations.

Normally the annual rate increase from Cablevision results in a call to Optimum threatening to switch to FIOS.  This inevitably leads to them placing me on a one year-long promotion, after which the cycle starts again.

This time was different .  I had wondered whether cable TV was worth the money, particularly with all the streaming options available today, and this was just what I needed to look at it seriously.   This idea was based on the following thoughts:

1. Cable TV costs have gone up significantly
2. We don’t actually watch that much TV
3. We almost never watch live TV and don’t have premium channels such as HBO
4. Cutting cable would save at least $900 per year, ever after factoring in other services needed

I didn’t want to just blindly make the leap so I signed up for a one week free trial of Hulu Plus and hid the cable TV remote controls. At the end of the week I polled the family to see what their reaction was to being without TV and the results were quite startling.

• My Daughter (the big TV watcher) hands-down prefers Hulu.  There are shows on Hulu that she likes that are not on Cable and she can choose which episode to watch.
• My two boys literally said “We didn’t have TV this week?”  With YouTube and the Xbox available the TV is something they just don’t use.
• Joanne and I found most of our favorite shows, plus a whole bunch of things that couldn’t be found on cable

Aside from confirming how little TV we watch as a family there were a few other items of note.

Streaming TV is an active instead of passive activity. Instead of channel surfing until you find something that you can accept you actively have to choose.  This meant less time idly watching whatever crap happened to come along and more time watching things we cared about.

Streaming changes how you think about content providers.  Hulu Plus is a good option that fills most needs but there are many more options.  Shows that Hulu doesn’t have can often be found through other channels.  e.g.

• Big Bang Theory is not on Hulu but is on CBS.com and with the Chromecast I can send it from a PC or laptop to any of the TVs.
• I found lots of my childhood Sci-Fi shows on YouTube and, after nearly 40 years, managed to catch up on some of the shows that I missed!  Yes…I finally found how Blake’s 7 crew was formed!  🙂

Streaming changes where you watch TV.  I spend two hours per day commuting by bus. Now I can watch sci-fi without the commentary from Joanne about why something really doesn’t seem very likely.

It’s not all roses though.

• There’s a lot of mature content on Hulu and yet they have no parental controls.  Since the kids can now watch anywhere in the house this is something we need to keep an eye on
• Everyone watching different things in different rooms can cause ‘fracturing’.  I need to turn the wi-fi off every so often
• If you are a big sports fan this might not be for you.  The only sport I watch with any regularity is Formula One and I haven’t found a suitable option for this yet
• This could considerably cut my nap time on the bus

Despite the few negatives I called Optimum yesterday, cancelled the TV and returned the two cable boxes without giving it a second thought.

Note:  Hulu Plus will give me a bonus if other people sign up, so if you think that might be something you want to try can you please use this button to sign up.  Thanks!!

 

 

If you love somebody…set them free

As a parent you want to help your kids – it’s only natural.  But take a step back once in a while and they might just amaze you.

Each of my kids has recently given me cause to rethink their limits and be blown away by their abilities.

It started a few weeks back when my 13 yr old was making a music video for a school project.  He had already selected his music, found a karaoke version and written his own lyrics.  He asked for help mixing his audio on top of the music but then refused any other help.  A few days later he showed me the finished result – all his own work – and I was totally blown away.  You can see the results of his efforts here and I’ll let you be the judge.

Next up…my eleven year old daughter.  Her old iPhone would no longer hold a charge and so I ordered a new battery from iFixit.com.

I was all set to replace the battery – not a task that Apple makes easy – when she asked me not to start without her.  She then proceeded to take on the entire procedure, following the on-screen instructions in a calm, methodical manner that would have been beyond many adults.  30 minutes later she had a fully restored iPhone and I was in awe of this young lady.

 

Finally my older son has been helping out with a local charity shop by taking pictures for them every weekend and posting items for sale on their website.

When he started this he was all fingers and thumbs.  He was shy, awkward, forgot the camera once and turned up with a dead camera another time.

Yesterday he strolled into the office, picked up the camera and checked it over with a practiced air.   I had a little time so I went with him to give the dog a much-needed walk.

When we arrived at the store I was amazed to see the calm and easy way with which he interacted with everyone, and how warmly they received him.  This wasn’t my little boy anymore, this was a young man making his way in the world and I couldn’t help but feel proud for him.

It’s easy to forget that the role of children is to push limits.  For them limits change on a daily basis – one day they can’t reach the faucet and the next they can.

Challenging limits; physical,mental or imposed by other, is not only normal but to be expected.  Think on that they next time they challenge your authority. Children need boundaries or they feel adrift, but as parents we have to recognize that those boundaries change every day and we need to change with them.

The next time you are doing something for your kids take a step back and consider whether by “helping” them you are actually them holding back.  I guarantee they will blow your mind if you would just let them.

The Dog Walking Diaries

A few weeks back my Daughter asked me to come with her as she took the family Shih Tzu for his regular walk.  I reminded myself that these opportunities won’t last forever, put down what I was working on and we set off in the rain.

She likes to chat and was quickly updating me on her latest craft projects, exploits of friends, books she’s reading and stories that she’s writing.  For my part I can’t help but look for lessons everywhere so, as she spoke, I asked questions such as how she thought she should deal with someone who was being mean or why things worked in a particular way.  Listening to her tales from school I then provided some stories from my school years and she was able to draw parallels with her own experiences.

Before I knew it we were deep into a discussion about a book I had just finished reading.  The book (Change of Heart) has a dilemma in it – should a dying eleven year old girl receive a heart transplant from the man who murdered her Father and Sister and, if she doesn’t want it, should her Mother force her to take it.   Despite being only ten we had a very mature chat about this, explored things from different angles and, in the blink of an eye, we were back at the house.

Since that first walk I’ve taken the opportunity to head out with my kids when I can and each time I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the one-on-one time together.  The talks don’t follow any particular theme.  Yesterday my Son and I started by talking about why salt melts ice, which lead to discussion about what he is learning in school about valance electrons.  Back at home we were taking the lead off of the dog when he said to me “Who knew that talking about chemistry could be so much fun!”

I’m really enjoying these moments.  The lack of screens, phones and other distractions leaves us with little to do but actually talk to each other which, in today’s modern world, is a rare and precious thing.

Beware the Empty Seat

A little before Christmas I attended an evening of music put on by the New Jersey Choral Society.   I enjoy these events for several reasons:

1. I’m a music lover and they really are excellent.
2. Because I used to sing with them and always see old friends.
3. Because it scores huge brownie points with my wife, who still sings with them.

Since the concert was a sell out arriving early was strongly suggested.  Instead a combination of returning visiting children and feeding my offspring ensured I not only arrived late, but after the concert had started.  Fully expecting to find myself in a seat with a great view of a supporting column I was instead ushered to a seat in the last row, right next to the middle aisle, affording it both an unobstructed view and plenty of room.

How could this prime seat still be empty in such a packed house?  I could see it surrounded by a golden halo and with angels singing.  Or perhaps that was just NJCS in their glory. I smugly took my seat and settled in for another glorious concert.

In hindsight little alarm bells should have gone off.  I’ve ridden enough New York subways to know that an empty seat on a packed train usually means a urine soiled hobo as a neighbor.

The first number was a beautiful pianissimo piece and I let the warm, soft music wash over me…right up to the point where I heard “MOMMY!”   I looked to my right to see a toddler loudly talking with the obliviousness of surroundings that only exists in the very young and the very old.

As a father of 3 I wasn’t too concerned.  His parents would no doubt quiet him down or remove him from earshot if that proved too difficult (I know I would have).

Sadly that was not the case this time as the boy continued to chatter with little more than the occasional “Shhh” from the parents and more than a few disapproving looks from the paying members of the audience.  Then a new sound was added to the mix, the insistent cry of a hungry baby followed after a brief pause by a loud thumping as the father attempted to burp the child.  Now if only the thumping had been in time with the music…

Near the end of the concert the baby started to cry again and, as the father reached for another bottle, he accidentally hit his phone which immediately shouted “SAY A COMMAND!!” at full volume.  That was the last straw for one audience member who turned around and expressed his disapproval with some choice words, finally causing the father gather his belongings and head out.  Sadly the concert ended a few minutes later.

For most of the people in that part of the church the concert had been significantly marred.  But there’s a lesson for all of us here – Beware the Empty Seat!

The “empty seat” could be on the subway, in a concert, a can’t lose business opportunity, an open job or a date who seems to have it all.  Somewhere along the way someone else has  decided that  it was too much trouble and passed by.  So before jumping into something that seems too good to be true it’s worth taking a moment to look around to see what dangers are lurking.  Maybe these are things you can live with, in which case go for it.  Just don’t do it blindly.

As the saying goes – if something looks too good to be true, it usually is.

Happy New Year!

The Law of Unintended Consequences

Let’s face it – we are not as smart as we would like to think.  How many times have we tried to fix one thing and end up breaking something else instead? This is a scenario commonly known as The Law of Unintended Consequences.

Ironically, this seems to be especially true when we introduce new safety measures.

Here are just a couple of examples which have produced a bullet in the toe of society:

1.  Protecting Children from Sex Offenders.

Here in the U.S. each state is required to keep a registry of sex offenders.  People convicted of “sex crimes” are put on this list, and often remain on that list for life.

Being on that list includes:

• Having your name, address and photo published onilne
• Severe restrictions on where you can live (e.g. distances from schools or “where children may congregate”)
• The need to tell employers you are on the list (good luck getting a job with that on your résumé).

But that’s good right?  We need to keep these rapists and child molesters away from our children.

I’d say yes if it were not for the fact that a recent study in Georgia concluding that the majority of the people on the list are not actually dangerous.  The types of activity that can land you on that list (for life remember) includes things such as consensual sex between a 15-year-old and a 17-year-old, visiting a prostitute, streaking, and even (in 13 states) urinating in public!

Imagine that!  You decide to do the responsible thing and walk (not drive) to a bar, get caught ‘short’ on the way home and pee against a tree.  The next thing you know, you’ve been arrested, lost your job (along with any chance of getting one again), are forced to move, and have your name and face plastered all over the web as a sex offender.  You could lose your family too, unless they are particularly strong-willed and supportive.

Because of the wide variety of offenses that will land you on that list, America now has well over 600,000 people registered.

I’m all for making things safer for people – especially children – but we are throwing the baby out with the bath water when our net drags in frisky teenagers and people with weak bladders.

2.  Efforts to Protect People from Terrorism

Since 911 Americas have watched as their personal freedoms be systematically eroded in the name of safety. 

But mixed in with these big-ticket items such as illegal wiretaps and torture are ridiculous limitations on toiletries allowed on planes and, more recently, the introduction of full body scanners.  I bet interest in joining the TSA went up when those babies were introduced – probably by the small percentage of people who actually should be on the list in item 1.

Look – this is very simple.  Terrorists don’t want to beat you – they want to destroy your way of life.  And if your lives have been significantly altered by an act of terrorism (and any traveler will tell you it has) then they have won. 

If people really want to be protected, then maybe the free market can take care of it.  Imagine this scenario:  People who are willing to swap speed and privacy for a modicum of safety (and don’t kid yourself how effective the TSA are) can travel on “Safe Airlines Inc.”, while the rest of us, accept the risk and go about our daily business of traveling unmolested.

Or, to quote my wise friend Ben Franklin, “Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.”

3.  Efforts to Limit Insider Trading.

In an effort to stop insider trading wrecking the markets, regulators imposed rules requiring all firms to keep records of all electronic communications for 7 years (or more).

Because of the immense cost involved in capturing, monitoring and  storing all of this data, most companies simply opt to block employees’ access to internet tools such as chat, forums, and social media. 

Effective use of these tools can greatly enhance efficiency and job performance, but they are now denied to most American financial institutions.  Meanwhile, companies in other countries are free to reap enormous benefits from those same restricted sources.

Do these rules stop illegal activities?  Of course not!  Anyone dumb enough to use a company  email system to discuss their illegal activites when they have a personal smartphone in their pocket deserves to be caught.  Nothing is being gained by this – unless you happen to own shares in Iron Mountain.

Who gets punished?

Like so many ill conceived laws and regulations, the people affected are the ones who actually follow the rules. Criminals are hardly likely to read FINRA 10-06 and conclude that they shouldn’t continue with their fraud because it would be wrong.

We need to stop this madness.

• We need to stop being so black and white.  Life just isn’t like that.
• We need to provide principals and guidelines that everyone instinctively understands, not rules and regulations that need armies of lawyers to interpret them.
• We need to start putting the human back into the equation so that when people do stupid stuff (and we all do), common sense (and not black and white rules) can prevail.
• And we need some sort of “do-over” clause built into laws which says a law can be overturned or amended by simple majority voting of the people when we finally figure out that, once again, we’ve screwed things up.

Because the saddest thing about unintended consequences…is that they are still consequences.

The Secrets of Women and Motorcycles

Since the beginning of time (I assume) men have a hard time understanding the way women think, particularly when it came to more ‘intimate’ matters.

But I read something recently which finally put things into terms that I could understand and allowed me a peek into the strange world of women’s desires, and here it is…

Men view sex as a goal – a destination to be reached as quickly as possible and by the shortest route.  Women, however, see sex as a journey – a set of experiences to be savored along the way.  The destination is nice, but it is the journey that counts.

As an avid motorcyclist this was something I could totally relate to.  Motorcycling is all about the journey.  The destination (be it great ribs or a classic bike show) is, more often than not, just an excuse to get out and ride.

The same split can be seen in other activities too – take shopping as an example.  Women will happily spend hours at the mall, completely immersing themselves in the entire retail experience.  Men, on the other hand, “hunt shoes” – grabbing the first pair that fit the need, and heading home triumphant.

Sadly the introduction of children often makes it difficult to spend sufficient time on the journey – which no-doubt explains why many mothers find themselves in a state of low libido, and their husbands in a state of frustration.

But the first step to solving a problem is knowing what the problem is.  Now that I finally get it I will be trying harder to focus on the journey, and I would suggest that you do the same too.

“Too often we are so preoccupied with the destination, we forget the journey.”~Unknown

Enjoy the journey!

What’s wrong with education?

In an earlier post – The American Caste System – I stated that there are many things wrong with the current education system and that there were too many things to put into a single post.

This follow-up post highlights how our education system stifles creativity with standardized testing, and how the rules in place are completely out of line with reality.

Test taking is a great example.  In school, you are told not to copy, not to speak with anyone else, and not to use any books, computers or the internet.  But when was the last time that you were given a work task under those conditions in the real world? 

I am willing to bet the answer would be never – not only that, but you would be told to find people who had done this before, and use all the resources available to find the answer.  And you would be rewarded for collaborating in this fashion.

I would prefer that during tests students have access to all the resources available, but the tests were then made much harder – focusing on the students’ ability to digest information and make sense of it, come up with new ideas, and find solutions.  Instead, we are feeding our kids lies and misinformation (usually in the form that there is only one right answer) and, in the process, crushing their creativity and their ability to think outside the box.

While researching this post, I came across the video below and realized that Sir Ken Robinson had, once again, done a better job of summarizing the situation than I could ever do.

I was particularly struck by his statement that, based on some tests, 98% of kindergarten kids rate in the genius level and that this declines over time.  This is backed up by the observances of Peter Skillman with his “Marshmallow Challenge” which gives similar insights, and if that isn’t a sign that our education system is failing our kids then I don’t know what is.

So, in the spirit of using all the resources available, I will just leave you in the capable hands of Sir Ken Robinson.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Related Articles

• Schools Kill Creativity – TED talk by Sir Ken Robinson (eeshan89.wordpress.com)

A New Blog is Born – Aspergers : A Mom’s Eye View

Under normal circumstances I would be sitting here bashing out my latest crazy idea.  But this week is different.  This week I celebrate the first step in something that, I believe, will become a valuable resource for parents of children on the Autism spectrum.

Some people reading this blog will be aware that, about 2-years ago, my middle child was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome – a high-functioning form of autism.  Since finding this out, my wife, that wonderfully intelligent and sensitive woman with bad-taste in men, has dedicated herself to finding out all she can about this disorder, and working with our son to help him overcome the difficulties, and maximize his strengths.

The results have been, frankly, magical. In just 2 years Gregory has changed from a tense ball of frustration and anger, rejecting all forms of social interaction, to an incredibly loving and relaxed little boy.  I can’t tell you what a difference this has made to the entire family.

Seeing the incredible transformation that Joanne has managed to achieve with Gregory, I have encouraged her to help other people who find themselves with similar issues.  My latest suggestion was that she start a blog to document her struggle, and the techniques she has discovered, so that other people can benefit from her experiences.

This has been a constant up-hill battle.  Not because she doesn’t want to help, but because she is incredibly modest and finds the idea of self-promotion distasteful.  The most common answer to my urgings have been “But I’m not an expert” and “There are so many great resources out there, why would people be interested in what I have to say?”

Finally, probably to shut me up, she agreed to check with some other friends on whether they thought it was a good idea and…no surprise…they were 100% behind her, and Aspergers  :  A Mom’s Eye View has been born.

Fortunately, I have no such qualms about promoting Joanne and what she can achieve when she puts her mind to something.

Joanne is, without a doubt, the most intelligent person I have ever met – and I have met many intelligent people.  She has an ability to absorb information at a frightening rate, and then simplify it, such that even I can understand it.  Since our diagnosis, Joanne has read a vast number of books on the subject of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), taken classes, worked with our local schools, and attended conferences.

But, most importantly, Joanne is a mom with a child in need.  And it is this combination of a mom’s story, combined with the knowledge that she has gained, that I believe will be a powerful aid to parents who find themselves in the same situation.

So, I wanted to dedicate this week’s blog post to introducing Aspergers : A Mom’s Eye View.  I hope you will enjoy reading it, and will pass this along to anyone who is in need of support and advice.

Mini-van – The Ultimate Performance Enhancer

I love just about anything that has wheels but, in particular, I have been a huge fan of the Porsche 911 since I was a kid. I still remember holding a model of a 911 as a young child and wistfully wondering what it would be like to own one.  These were cars for rich people – which we most certainly were not!

Performance driving became a passion of mine from the moment I first got behind the wheel, and if I wasn’t upgrading my car, then I was using snow-covered areas as make-shift skid pans or spending money on track days.  I then turned to the ‘dark-side’ once I discovered that motorcycles offered a far cheaper way to get in touch with The Force, and I still dabble in those black arts today with my BMW R1150GS.

Joanne tried to save my soul in 2005 when an alignment of the stars (a mid-life crisis, a wedding anniversary and vodka induced spousal approval 🙂 ) brought a ‘pre-owned’ 2003 911 C4S my way. That car is now my daily driver, clocking up around 15k miles each year.

The car is fast but, after months of every day use, it all  starts to feel a little…ordinary.

I used to solve this problem by buying new cars, or by spending money that I could ill afford on performance parts.  Carburetors, tune up kits, cold air intakes, free-flow exhausts and that gold standard for teenagers, the K&N air filter, have all seen use on vehicles I have owned.

But a few years ago I stumbled upon the secret of getting my jolly meter back into the red without spending large sums of money on things that do little more than invalidate the car’s warranty.  The solution…use someone else’s car for a couple of weeks!

I first achieved this trick with the use of my father-in-law’s Hyundai G350 a few years ago, and I have just detoxed again by using a rented VW Routan mini-van to take in the delights of Yellowstone, the Grand Tetons, Big Sky and the mountains of Colorado on our recent family vacation.  Since my kids have seen the film RV, the van was immediately dubbed the ‘Rolling Turd’ for the duration of the trip.

After two weeks of driving The Turd, I came home to re-discover the joys of my C4S.  Just backing down the driveway was enough to let me know that I was in something a little different and, once underway, even the slightest touch on the throttle would have the car leaping forward like…umm…a very leapy thing.   It is so addictive that other road users must think I’m drunk, because I find myself speeding up and slowing down again repeatedly, just for the heck of it.

My new enhancement method is far cheaper than a new car or adding a supercharger, and is unlikely to leave me stranded at the side of the road with oil dripping from the engine!

So, only one interesting question now remains.  If I have two vehicles at home that can cover the zero to sixty sprint in five seconds or less, then why is it that my first speeding ticket in ten years was acquired behind the wheel of a rebadged Town and Country mini-van? Doh!

Despite the speeding ticket, I have a hard time visualizing my kids longingly holding a hot-wheels Routan Mini-van and dreaming of the future.